12 Songs + Novel

Dear Readers,

Something was peculiar about my house. For the first 19 years of my life, I knew that, but I couldn’t name it. It took me a few years after leaving to realize “peculiar” thing was actually something wrong, something that was never supposed to be there in the first place: mental illness.

Could you blame me, though? For spending years in confusion about my situation, not knowing that mental illness was at the root of it all? Dysfunction was the norm. For the first 19 years of my life, I held my breath every time I walked into my house in fear of a fight. Reality was denied right in front of my eyes. Emotion was difficult to come by and any expression of who I was felt unsafe. I was continually confused because all these actions were justified as normal.

But, the most painful side effect of my mentally ill parents was the criminalization of how I saw the world… through music. There’s a hint of fear as I type that word even now. I couldn’t listen to or even associate with music for fear of what my parents might do if I did. But it unlocked something so deep in my spirit… dare I say it made my life colorful… that I had to write my own. In secret. For years. And I kept it closer to myself than anything else in this world.

Now, I’ve decided it's time to do something with all those songs that have been trapped in my yellow spiral notebook for the past decade. With the help of those who want to join the journey, we will breathe these songs of abuse, love, and existence to life. I can only hope that all this- The Untold Story Project- can provide education, empathy, and encouragement for those who grew up like me.

Thank you for joining me on the journey,
-Kailani